It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
