Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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