someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
