After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
