I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
