yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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