I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You made out with two different species that night
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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