im about as happy as oj after his trial
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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