i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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