I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
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