Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
