Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
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He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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