I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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