He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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