thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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