Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
