I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
