i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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