There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
