awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
