So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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