found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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