Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
