I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You need a sexual gate keeper
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
