Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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