one two three fourrrrnication!
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
