When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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