My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
