accomplished twins. life is a go
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
