I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
there's paper in my vomit.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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