I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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