i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Randomize
