My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
