I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
