Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Vodka?
Forever.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
