im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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