mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
