life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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