I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
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You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
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I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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