I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
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He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
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I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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