She is in my trunk
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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