So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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