Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
