i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
