Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
