I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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