I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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