Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
