He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
