i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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