I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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