Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
