im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
