Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
