I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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