Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
