Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
