I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
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Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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